I’m a bisexual mother with two queer kids who have gratefully survived their public-school experience, unlike some of their peers.
According to a study published on the Canadian Medical Journal website at: https://www.cmaj.ca/content/194/22/E767
“Suicide is the second leading cause of death among adolescents and young adults aged 15–24 years in Canada.” This same study identified that transgendered adolescents are 7.6 times more likely to have attempted suicide than their cisgender peers. These are facts.
I’ve been having a lot of feelings these last few days, I’ve been feeling a lot of fear, anger, and disappointment. For a couple of weeks, my emotions have been running amuck. One minute I’m angry, typing furiously on my keyboard, the next my head is in my hands with tears streaming down my face and then a little while later I develop a deep knot in my gut because I fear that my children aren’t safe. I’ve been wondering if these are normal emotional reactions to my children being called pedophiles and evil by white middle aged people pushing strollers and screaming at people (including my kids) on the main street of our small town on Wednesday September 20th, 2023.
Doug Ford made a snide little comment, less than a few sentences, mentioning the “rights of parents” and indoctrination of our kids. Mr. Ford said “…it’s not up to the school board to indoctrinate our kids…” I believe Mr. Ford made these declarations to distract the public from the investigation into the Greenbelt deals. Gratefully, Doug has seemed to have lost the Greenbelt war, but I believe he is trying to make us focus on a different battle.
There were groups across the province on the 20th of this month, who stood outside city halls and schools and other public venues protesting the right to “own their children”. They would like the education minister to review and alter the current sexual education curriculum in the public schools.
Here is the link to the current Ontario sex education curriculum for elementary schools: https://www.ontario.ca/document/health-and-physical-education-grades-1-8/human-development-and-sexual-health-education-grade
Those protesting pleaded to remove the “overtly sexual content” and the gender ideology in this curriculum.
Those who walked with the One Million March seem really upset about young people learning that there are different types of families, and angry that their kids are being informed that not everyone chooses the opposite gender as a partner. They don’t seem to want their kids to know that other people live their lives differently from them.
Nowhere in the education curriculum outline does it say that any gender orientation is better than another; therefore no one is trying to make your kids gay. We just want kids to learn that not every home looks the same and THAT’S OKAY. It really is.
Their request to alter the curriculum in and of itself is benign since currently there has been no consideration by the Ontario education ministry to alter them. However, two provinces in this country have already adopted policies to out kids to parents. There are also many political actions happening south of us that make me grateful to be Canadian, but I am scared that these are our neighbours.
I know more than a few youths in our community that are scared right now. They do NOT feel safe telling their parents the truth about themselves, in fear of the repercussions.
If you’re a parent, how does that make you feel? Are you glad that your kids fear you? I’m curious what are you hoping to accomplish, by putting the fear of ‘god’ into them? Is it to maintain control over them? Well, they are scared but good luck controlling your kids; most effective parents know that’s a losing battle.
I want you to know that I sort of understand. I was born in the 70s and raised by good Irish Catholic parents who believed in fear and intimidation as an appropriate parenting style. My father kept some keep sakes of his principal days. Hanging on the back of his bedroom door were various “straps” that were used (possibly by him) in the Catholic Schools. He never used one on me, however I did build a healthy fear of wooden spoons which was my mother’s preferred intimidation weapon. I used to resent them for their parenting style; however, I no longer do, but I do refuse to repeat that parental mistake.
The truth is I sent my own child away for a week to my mother’s cottage when they first came out to me. Their biological father is a highly ‘Christian’ man who had developed some strong beliefs, differing from the ones he had when we met. After we separated and a family friend came out as trans, he sat our kids down and told them that if they ever came out as gay or trans that he would do everything he could to “fix” them. He had announced many times before that he believed in praying the gay away; since it had worked for him, it could work for anyone. I was more than a bit scared.
My mother took in my queer kid without question. This is the same woman who woke me every Sunday morning to attend church for my whole childhood. My mother also held some archaic beliefs about gender roles. She was born in 1940, so they were all appropriate for her time, and I understand that now.
But when I was 14, and she refused me the right to wear a tux to my grade 8 graduation because it wasn’t appropriate for a girl to wear men’s pants, I didn’t get it. I was really confused when she wouldn’t let me cut my hair short while in high school. Wearing my hair up gave me headaches which I had to do while playing sports, but that didn’t matter; no daughter of hers was going to have short hair.
But when my gay child needed a safe place to stay, she opened not only her door, but her arms and her heart. I’m sure it was confusing and hard for her, but she never questioned me about it. She dealt with it, and welcomed my child into her home.
My mother passed away a few months ago, and on her death bed, told my very openly trans child that she loved them and was proud of them. She also told me I was feeding the other one too much; I laughed. She was only human of course and not a perfect parent, as none of us are.
I’m typing this at the same table my kids made signs to attend the counter protest on the 20th.
As I start to feel the anger and fear build up for the people who were protesting the inclusion of gender diversity in the sex ed curriculum, I remember the bullies of my school days. The boys who pulled my pigtails in grade school. These same boys would chase me off the soccer or baseball field and tease me for being a girl doing boy things. I complained to my mom about them and she would say, “Oh, just ignore them, they’re just trying to get your attention. Ignore them long enough and they’ll stop.”
Well, I will say, these protestors have got my attention. I started to pay attention when they cleaned out the libraries of public schools in Florida due to their book ban. I started to get really angry when, just south of our border, they passed bills that put 2SLGBTQIA+ people’s lives at risk. I cried when I heard how Doug Ford and Stephen Lecce started spouting the same rhetoric claiming the loss of parents’ rights, and the indoctrination of our children.
I have however regained some hope since our District Counselor Scott Morrison showed support to the 2SLGBTQIA+ Muskoka community when he announced that he knew a policy change would harm our kids.
These comments might seem benign, on their own, since no one is considering changing the sex education curriculum in Ontario, but I need to ask, if these bullies aren’t called out eventually, isn’t the real fear that they’ll just assume more power? That those who showed up to the protests are going to vote these bullies in? If no one ever stands up to them, won’t they just continue to walk all over the less powerful and continue to take away people’s rights? As they spout fear of their own rights being trampled on.
Children don’t have a lot of power; they only have the amount of power we teach them they deserve.
If you believe that your kids should not have their own rights and you want the school board to break the trust and confidentiality of their students; have you ever wondered why your kids find it easier to talk to their teachers and school staff, than you?
In case you want to know, it’s because they believe you will reject them. That you will not love and accept them for who they are. That you will tell them it’s a fad, or they’ll grow out of it…. perhaps like you did.
I (kind of) understand that thought process too, since I was the epitome of a tom boy. I played a lot of sports, including a summer of lacrosse on an all-boys team.
Having five older brothers and a successful father, I learned early on in life that if you were a man or acted as close to a man as one could, then you usually have an easier time of things. I basically learned that by being a bully, loud, gruff, and assertive I was more likely to get what I wanted.
I spent a summer in the mid 90s often being misgendered, while working as a server at a pub whose uniform was cargo shorts and a t-shirt. I was in my 20s and had very short hair, and it was easy to mistake me for a boy, I always wore a sports bra. However, that summer I also learned how to use my feminine wiles to get what I wanted. Lots of free drinks and good parties that summer! My point is, I have played with the various benefits of gender norms my whole life, and it’s taught me a lot, but it also brought some struggles. I was quite a sheltered and ignorant 20-year-old, who barely knew that bisexuality was even a thing.
But then suddenly, it was 2014 and my not yet teenage child comes to me stating that’s exactly what they were…or so they thought. And my response was “ok”
This child has changed their name and identifiers multiple times and my response with each new piece of information is “ok” and then I do a google search if I don’t know what they’re talking about.
I couldn’t attend the counter protest on the 20th with my family, but the rest of them participated because we want to ensure that the queer youth of this community know that there are safe people here and that they are not alone.
I really don’t understand what’s so hard about accepting your kid exactly as they are.
It seems to me that those who attended the One Million March protest believe in scare tactics… therefore, here’s a piece of information that might help you.
According to Rainbow Health Ontario https://www.rainbowhealthontario.ca : Gay and trans teens rejected by their parents over their sexual identity were over 8 times as likely to attempt suicide, compared with gay and trans youth who report low rejection levels
Which means, if your kid is part of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community they will want to kill themselves if they believe you will reject them, hence, they are talking to teachers instead of you.
As a parent I have tried my best to instill the values and beliefs in my kids that I believe to be important, but I have always known that my kids might not end up believing in the same things as me.
I know there’s no parenting handbook, but it seems obvious to me that my primary job as a parent, is to love and accept my kids as they are, to also teach them the little I know, and try to help them find their own path.
The events of the past few weeks, have me wanting to ask those who attended the march, what are you teaching your kids?
I’m so grateful that my kids have chosen a path of love, compassion, acceptance and understanding.
I really do hope that your kids and my kids become friends, whether you know it or not.
– Lilith Qurice, Huntsville resident
Don’t miss out on Doppler!
Sign up here to receive our email digest with links to our most recent stories.
Local news in your inbox so you don’t miss anything!
Click here to support local news
This is such a complex topic, particularly since being gay/lesbian/bisexual is quite different than someone identifying as trans, and mixing the two together just adds to the complexity. (Virtually) everyone wants to protect their children – which is why emotions run so high when people disagree about the best way to do that. I don’t know how to do that without people being empathetic and listening to people who have opposing opinions, but that can be hard to do, especially when people want to protect their children.
I have difficulty with gender ideology/trans activism because there are too many inconsistencies. For example, one statement that trans activists say (which I agree with) is that gender is created by society; however, they also say that gender is inherent. Those statements cannot both be true. I also have not been able to find anything in any pro-trans organizations’ websites that define what a woman is, or what a man is. To say that a trans-woman is a woman is meaningless unless you first define what a woman is. I, as a female, do not fit our societal norms for what a woman ‘should be’ – but just because there are cultural stereotypes for women and men, doesn’t mean that I somehow have to define my gender/sex by those stereotypes- I would rather try to change society to accept that men (males) can wear makeup and dresses if they want, and women (females) can be lumberjacks and CEOs.
Having said that, this is about protecting children. I don’t think the argument should be about ‘parents’ rights’ but about what is best for our children. As a mother, I do want to know if my child is asking to be referred to by different pronouns, because if they are experiencing gender disphoria, I want to help them through that. Helping them through that may or may not include affirming their requested pronouns, as there are always a lot more things going on under the surface than them stating they are in the wrong body – and it is important to help them figure out what, and how they can become a whole, happy and healthy person. However, I do think it does behoove us to think about how to protect children who actually could be in danger. I don’t know the answer, but I do think respectful discussion and lots of listening and empathy are required.
I don’t think I can remember a time in my life when our world and our communities have been so divisive. I hear the concerns of parents on both sides of the equation. Speaking as a parent, I would hope my kids would come to me with anything as big as transitioning from one gender to another. I would also hope I would help them navigate these turbulent waters. But nobody knows for sure how they will react until they are thrust into that particular situation. Change of any kind in school curriculums and in life, always bring resistance. That’s simply life. I feel there is a lot of misinformation circulating out there. Education is imperative. We must keep in mind that the teen age years are tumultuous and when parents are on board- it can make the journey a little less so- hopefully. Sadly, I know this is not always the case. Trinity United Church is now in the process of becoming the first affirming congregation in the Huntsville area. Jesus never excluded anybody and neither do we. We are ALL God’s beloved sons and daughters. Everybody has their own opinions but let’s make sure we share them respectfully and caringly. Focus on the issues while not attacking the person and we will all be better together. To Lilith Qurice, I applaud you for your vulnerability and your courage in sharing your heartfelt story. You are a strong and compassionate advocate for your children- they are blessed.
Kathryn Henderson, I appreciate your point of view and just have one question. Do you want all sexual education removed from the schools and all books regarding sexual orientation removed. Or, would you prefer that books about gender and sexual diversity be removed and that’s sex education should stay in the schools as long as it’s only about straight sex education.
I only ask because this is what was being yelled at me during the protest while protesters were calling our group pedophiles just for supporting the LGBTQ community. Protesters were also holding signs that were the opposite of supporting the LGBTQ community.
It sounds like you genuinely support members of the LGBTQ community but that was not the case for the majority of the protesters downtown. They want only LGBTQ sexual contact removed from the schools, which ironically would would bring as much closer to indoctrination, and isn’t that with their fighting against. I’m just really confused, that’s all.
If we are truly supportive of the LGBTQ youth and not just straight cis gender youth, wouldn’t we want diverse and thorough sex education to be taught so that everybody is treated fairly. Just my thoughts.
You’ve put into words exactly what I’ve been wanting to articulate about that day. As the parent of a trans child there have certainly been difficulties in the journey, usually with people like those protesting yelling slurs at my child in the school hallways or on our streets. The one thing that was never difficult was knowing that I would accept and love my child unconditionally no matter what. And as the responses here prove, we’’ve always known that the vast majority of people in our community are supportive, regardless of whether they agree or understand.
It’s truly gut-wrenching watching attitudes and verbiage from those south of us migrate north. And while I believe that those who have responded with a narrow view about what they were there to protest, know that that’s not the end game for many in that movement. As someone said, just check out their social media profiles.
The writer of this article seems to think that parents won’t accept queen kids. Most parents will love and accept their child’s choice. We protesters do not hate LGBTQ. I have family and friends that are LGBTQ. I am protesting the new books being made available to our children that is unacceptable. School should be for learning math and reading etc. Sexyal orientation should be left for the parents. The parents that won’t accept their queen child will never change their minds but most parents accept their kids as they are and do not need to learn how to be queer or how to perform sexual acts due to their choice of sex. Parents still have rights to know what is happening with their kids. A lot of parents know already as their child grows up in their home if they are queer or not. We don’t hate. We accept a lot but not when it comes to parental rights being compromised.
Thank you for writing about your firsthand experience that most of us don’t know enough about. I appreciate the emotional effort it would take to put those words together and you’ve done it beautifully. I wish you strength in continuing to advocate for your children.
Your letter was beautifully written. Along with the responses from like-minded people, I feel hopeful again. The depth of hatred spewed at us from the other side at the demo was devastating, and left me reeling. We stand together, united in our commitment to support, protect and nurture all our children.
Thank you Lilith for your open and honest account of your experience of being a loving family that may be differently configured than some others.
It seems like it shouldn’t have to be said that a parent’s love and acceptance should be unconditional. Sexual orientation and gender identity are not choices; they are intrinsic aspects of a person’s identity. Supporting and accepting your children for who they are is a powerful way to promote their well-being and contribute to a more inclusive and compassionate society.
While I generally lean towards acceptance and inclusion anyway, the experience of knowing some trans kids has further opened my eyes to what a difference love and acceptance – especially parental love and support – makes in a child’s life. One child in particular – a young trans man – I’ve known since birth. I’ve only known a few kids of any gender who are as well adjusted, self-confident, intelligent, compassionate and self-aware. Much of that comes from the steadfast support of his parents and small-town community. It wasn’t easy for his parents; they had to work hard to understand and to learn how to support their child when he started to question his gender before (s)he even had the words to fully articulate his absolutely certainty that he was a boy.
Maybe the solution if to reach out to someone the 2SLGBTQIA+ community with an open mind and heart with a view toward gaining understanding. What I’m sure isn’t the solution is using the deceptive softness of the language of the 1 Million March For Children group cushions the real central mission of the group: to “explicitly threaten and implicitly make a strawman of 2SLGBTQIA+ families, children and allies by advocating for “the elimination of the sexual orientation and gender identity curriculum, pronouns, gender ideology and mixed bathrooms in Canadian schools.”
What a powerful post. Thank you for giving me the privilege of your openness. Thank you for being there for your children and for being a voice for all other children. In a world where there is so much hateful, mis-informed vitriol, it is so beautiful to read your words.
Thank you so much for sharing this valuable perspective. To all the LGBTQ+ youth reading this – you are loved and supported by so many in the Muskoka community. Keep on being you.
Lilith, thank you so much for sharing this beautiful story. I share your fear of what could happen in our province. I’m hopeful that it never becomes legislation, it would be a dangerous mistake.
The two provinces that have already gone down that road are both being sued by many several organizations, so why would we want that to happen in Ontario.
There argue that such legislation would be a violation of the charter of rights and freedoms. And I would have to agree with that premise. The province would be violating section 7 of the Charter, which gives “life, liberty, and security of the person,” and Section 15, which provides equality rights to every individual, without discrimination.
Your letter is absolutely perfect and really shows the human side of this. Why should your family not have the same rights and protections that other families have. It’s like we have taken so many steps forward and now we are taking steps backwards, fighting for rights that have already been granted.
I believe that everyone has the right to protest, the right to free speech and freedom of religion. However, When people are protesting in a way that affects one segment of society in a harmful and negative way, we have to be really careful.
I think we can all be judged on how we treat the most vulnerable people in our communities. This is not a time to even consider legislation that will have a harmful impact on trans youth. Think about it for a second, they are trying to legislate teachers to misgender and deadname children while the data shows that this can cause the most dire of circumstances for our youth. It would be causing intentional harm and I just don’t get it.
I love your bravery for sharing your story, It is very inspiring
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s really reassuring to hear from people in the community who provide loving and supportive environments for their kids.
I looked into the Rainbow Health Ontario research you mentioned, and learned that in addition to being over
8 times as likely to attempt suicide, the LGB youth who were surveyed were “almost 6 times as likely to be depressed”, and that “efforts to discourage gender-atypical behavior were associated with increased risk of suicide attempts.”
(Link: https://rainbowhealth.wpenginepowered.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/RHO_FactSheet_LGBTYOUTHSUICIDE_E.pdf )
Frankly, as we saw at the protest in Huntsville last week, for the people building these hate networks in our communities, it’s not about safety for kids.
This was driven home as we walked past the hate protestors, seeing the rhetoric on their signs that is designed to drive violence toward “pedophiles” and “groomers” (their words for teachers whose life work is to invest in kids’ futures), and listened to slurs being called by some of the other teens in that crowd (possibly the answer to your question, “what are they learning at home?”
It’s not only mental health that is excluded from their canned lines about caring for youth, but physical health as well. A few clicks on the public social media profiles of the far-right organizers of the Huntsville and Bracebridge hate events reveal that they are also promoting anti-vaccine conspiracy theories. No thanks.
As you continue to love and accept your kids, I hope you know that your community stands behind you.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful, impassioned account of your experiences and those of your children.
Unknowingly, I stood with your family on the 20th, and I was so happy to be surrounded by so many loving souls! I will stand with them again – and again and again – because love and acceptance is not only the goal, the a necessity!
I am so glad I no longer have children in school. I am opposed to sex being taught in schools. That means any kind of sex, gender, orientation or anything else. Schools should be teaching reading, writing, arithmetic, history, geography and nothing else.