By Sally Barnes
If having an affair was a crime, our jails would be packed like sardines—with people ranging from homemakers to royalty, religious leaders to tradespeople, and top dogs in the worlds of media, politics, entertainment, sports, business, and labour.
Like cancer, few if any families have been spared the pain and consequences.
This past weekend, media from around the world joined domestic journos in reporting how the mayor of Canada’s largest city has resigned for having an “inappropriate relationship” with a young woman who was a member of his staff when the affair began. (It ended some months ago.)
The woman is 31, less than half the age of the deposed, long-married mayor. As a woman of a certain age, I have to question whether there would be as much fuss if the unidentified person involved had been 45 and considered less innocent and more capable of taking care of herself.
That is just one of the many questions being mulled by friends and supporters of John Tory, whom all describe as buttoned-down and a very good person and mayor while his opponents find merriment in his highly publicized fall from office and grace.
I first met John when he was the leader of the Young Progressive Conservatives. I‘m guessing he was 20-ish at the time—maybe younger. I was attending an event with former Premier Bill Davis, for whom I worked at the time, and I have this memory of the YPC president looking out of place in a serious suit while most of the other young Tories were in casual attire.
Over the many decades since, I have admired his work ethic, commitment to the public good, intelligence, loyalty, and leadership abilities.
City Hall colleagues say he’s first to arrive in the morning and last to turn out the lights at night. He’s everywhere.
John Tory especially shone during the pandemic when he looked as worn down and fearful as the rest of us but managed to encourage and inspire front-line workers, rally the public, and foresee how to deal with the aftermath.
He ran for a third term last year because he wanted to complete what he couldn’t get done when the pandemic blew everything off the rails and left a gaping hole in city finances and services.
Let me make it clear that I don’t condone the “bad judgment” John Tory has apologized for in what can most kindly be described as a case of infidelity, deception, and bad judgment.
But does the furor and penalty suit the crime?
Tory chose to enter public life and he certainly knows that politics is no game for sissies. Over the years, his family has paid a huge price in the time and energy he has devoted to charitable work, public service, and elected office.
As during the pandemic, his firm hand on the tiller is especially needed at this time with municipal services in jeopardy, a budget to be decided, and an opportunity for him to play a leadership role in convincing provincial and federal governments to deliver financial aid to municipal taxpayers.
Should he have resigned?
Most people will agree he has chosen to do the right and honourable thing—unlike many politicians at the federal government level who think they can get away with anything if they just apologize and get on with life.
I’ve been astounded by the outpouring of public interest in this story and it grates that in my long experience, so many get away with this same kind of behaviour without media interest and/or penalty.
Put simply, it is not a crime for two consenting adults to have an extramarital fling but if you just woke up from a long winter’s nap you could be forgiven for thinking that Mayor John Tory has been exposed as a triple hatchet murderer.
Social media has provided a torrent of support for Tory and spewed out an avalanche of hatred from many who disagree with his politics, salivate over his job, or just need to vent their anger with the world.
It’s also interesting that there is much public clutching at pearls over the sanctity of marriage. That’s curious in an age when so many couples are eschewing marriage altogether and “lifers” have almost become oddities in a society awash with divorces.
The media leaped upon the mayor’s resignation like a pack of starving wolves.
Unprecedented human suffering from earthquakes abroad and political scandal closer to home took a back seat to media titillation of sex in a city here in the great white north.
In the United Kingdom, where the public thirst for sex stories knows no equal and paparazzi are considered gutter snipes responsible for the ongoing torture of the royals and the death of a princess, our little sex tittle-tattle must seem quaint to listeners of the BBC and readers of The Times of London.
If there is any winner in this sordid story it’s Premier Doug Ford whose dalliance with developers with connections to the green belt begs media scrutiny. The Star’s exposé on the mayor grabbed the headlines and the Ford shenanigans story was bumped inside the paper.
With Canadian prissiness (and I agree), our mainstream media has resisted naming John Tory’s partner in this “inappropriate relationship.” After all, she may have been a willing participant (there is no suggestion of any coercion, bullying, job benefits etc) and she was not bound by the code of conduct that applies to elected officials.
By contrast, social media—which never misses an opportunity for outrage—was quick to share her name and photos.
Some seize upon the story as a #MeToo moment, an example of abuse of power in the workplace. Yes, John Tory was in a superior position and he was wrong and downright stupid to get personally involved with a member of his staff.
But this mature woman had been hired for a responsible position on the staff of the elected head of one of the largest governments in Canada and it is an insult to impugn her abilities and competence by casting her in the role of victim.
Yes, I am a committed feminist. And, yes, I believe in truth, equity, and fairness.
As for the media’s role in this whole episode, as a former journalist, I am disappointed and somewhat disgusted.
The story has changed a bit. Originally, a Star editor explained that around last Christmas the city hall bureau decided to check into rumours that the mayor’s 44-year marriage to Barbara Hackett was in trouble. She was reportedly spending much of her time at their home in Florida and didn’t show up for his election victory.
Watergate this is not. What were the Star’s Woodward and Bernstein doing? Peeking into bedroom windows? Checking if John remembered Barbara’s birthday and sent her flowers on Valentine’s Day?
Anyway, in that process, they stumbled on the affair angle. But a Star reporter now says it was just two weeks ago that they learned of the affair that by now was long over.
Stop the presses! The Star even called Barbara Hackett at home asking her to comment on the story they were about to publish with all the prominence of a declaration of world war. (She declined.)
I believe passionately in the public’s right to know about people and issues that affect their lives. But I don’t believe in the right to do temperature checks on politicians’ marriages. When I was in the news biz the rule of thumb was that personal lives were out of bounds unless a politician’s ability to do the job was affected. I guess the rules have changed.
Those already lining up to succeed John Tory might well be considering their own marriages and relationships before they take the leap. Politicians and others (men and women alike) all across this country take note and it’s my guess that more than a few are having sleepless nights since the Tory resignation hit the fan.
John Tory has given much over many years and had much more to give at a time when the public is losing faith in our democratic institutions and polls show a majority believe claims that public services and the country itself are “broken.”
He is a moderate in an angry world tempted by extremists.
There is a creepy cancel culture feel and smell to all this—like another public figure being dragged off and sent to storage as society grapples with how to correct old practices, beliefs, and human behaviour.
Pray tell who and what is next.
Sally Barnes has enjoyed a distinguished career as a writer, journalist and author. Her work has been recognized in a number of ways, including receiving a Southam Fellowship in Journalism at Massey College at the University of Toronto. A self-confessed political junkie, she has worked in the back-rooms for several Ontario premiers. In addition to a number of other community contributions, Sally Barnes served a term as president of the Ontario Council on the Status of Women. She is a former business colleague of Doppler’s publisher, Hugh Mackenzie, and lives in Kingston, Ontario. You can find her online at sallybarnesauthor.com.
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Look what happened to us we ended up with a unexperienced mayor. Come back John Toronto needs you more than ever now..
No you should not have resigned, cannot take away the good he has done.And I don’t live in Toronto. Good luck to him and his wife in the future.
Lifetime relationships does not exist today. Especially when your the head of political party or a CEO.
The age gap is huge and life isn’t always green on the other side.
We are a family of 8 kids and
mom and dad renewed their vows at 65. I was attending the ceremony and felt and saw true love between couples. It was in their eyes.
I admire their honesty, their loyalty it’s a rarity today.
A well written piece. I for one am glad Tory will be gone, but no I am also fearful of the replacement which will likely come from some of the people who have been a bad influence on Tory. Tory is a very malleable and agreeable guy which makes him a poor #1 leader. He is surrounded by a woke Council and because he is so malleable and agreeable, he has become woke in every element of governing the city, except may be fiscally. This is a guy whose family tradition is conservative, but with each passing year he becomes less and less conservative under the influence of council narrow interest groups.
To mention a couple of items:
Under his leadership congestion is worse and, judging from the plans for road management, it will get even worse. Even if Toronto were to stop growing it would get worse.
The population no longer talks about being world-class, probably because it palpably no longer qualifies (some will say it never did qualify. It is arguable, however, if that is the case, it is further away than it used to be.
The city is also less safe. Crime is more a factor, filth is more an issue and wrongheaded road management has made roads less safe despite the objectives of policy under Tory (i.e. it is a failure). As with the aforementioned this does not all fall to Tory, but he has been inadequate on performance, but he is agreeable and generally inoffensive so he gets re-elected.
Lastly, it would take too much space to explain it, so I will simply state it: the city under Tory is run by developers more than ever.
None of that has anything to do with an affair, but if that is what it takes to get him out, I am fine with that.
Thanks for the excellent article.
If indeed the 31 year old woman did not feel obligated to have a fling with the mayor, then she should have known better and should be asked for her side of the story. Unless I’ve missed it, I haven’t seen it posted anywhere yet.
Affaires of the bedroom should remain private.
There is a written or unwritten rule that a person of public TRUST remains a person of public TRUST. Mixing business with pleasure never works.
With The high profile position that Tory held there
He has violated that position unfortunately.
His advisers should have insisted on a chaperone .
His decision was wise. Family FIRST! We know eventually good things will follow John Tory.
Your commentary is very well said. I will never understand the joy the press expel from salacious gossip.
The “victim ” is 31 years old! For goodness sake she is not a child, but a consenting adult.
We would have a pretty thin government if everyone who has had an affair resigned!
Let’s hope the incoming mayor performs well because in retrospect, an affair is going to look like small potatoes….
I think people need to understand what a hypocrite, and fake conservative
John RED Tory really is.
As for the pandemic, he broke all the mandates he imposed on the people of Toronto.
Well said! Unfortunately for a man that displayed integrity there is a balance now… people question if he kept a secret and lied to his wife how could he remain Mayor? Some would question, did he lie on issues to the people of T.O. I admire him for stepping down. Unfortunately this situation is what many people will remember of his legacy. 🙁 I will remember the good and will not throw the first stone.
Let me say that this situation is none of my business. This is a personal family matter between John Tory and his wife. He should have resigned stating only that he was resigning for personal family reasons. This matter does not need all the press coverage.
Know that Disney song, ‘we don’t talk about Bruno”. Well, I can sing that with “we don’t talk about Barbara”. It seems as though my previous comments get taken down from here every time a post them. So here I go again: Let’s talk about Barbara – her mental anguish, her life changing dilemma of anxiety, and PTSD. That anxious feeling she gets every time, Tory leaves the house, or get a call from a female employee.. the label the children will wear as the kids of the mayor that had the affair. The sellers of shame that would be projected to the grandchildren in the future life. Why isn’t anyone talking about this? Are we so selfish that we only think? Oh we need Tory to run the City of Toronto? As proof has it, he was already running the City of Toronto horizontally. Why don’t we try someone that perhaps can run it vertically?
I was completely shocked when I heard this news. Maybe I’m just naive but I just didn’t see John Tory in this light. I believed he was a man of integrity and really focused on being the mayor and a family man. No marriage is perfect and the fact that it’s with a woman that is 37 years younger then him and this woman is younger than his own daughter! That makes it even more awful. I will never condon extra marital affairs and affairs affect the whole family not just the two people doing the deed. I feel for his wife and grown children and grand children cause nothing will ever be the same. There are a lot of other political leaders that should be resigning as well in our country not just the mayor but I don’t see that happening. There are bigger issues going on then this affair but as usual there’s always distractions being created to cover up the more sinister things going on that they don’t want you to know about.
Feel sorry for his wife who has sacrificed a normal family life to the ambitions of a power hungry husband who spent the little bit of spare time he had with his mistress. He deserves whatever he gets.
Sally, thank you for your compassionate yet unbiased opinion. It saddens me to witness how someone who obviously loves his city, who stepped forward and worked so hard, who went above and beyond to serve, who demonstrated that he represents all segments of the population, can be so vilified over a non criminal misstep which is the sole business of himself and his family. A Mayor has finite resources at his disposal and cannot please everyone at the same time. I just wish that more of us can understand this basic principle which I am sure they themselves have to abide by in their personal situation.
John Tory should be held financially responsible! New election is going to cost taxpayers between 70-80 million dollars! The one responsible for it is not be paying for it but taxpayers will!
Shame on him! He knew, at time of an election it was not appropriate but he still run for the mayor!
Thank you Sally for brillianly expressing the story of a very strong politician!!! Shame on him! He shouldn’t run for 3rd term! Everyone is loser! Thanks
You make extra-marital affairs sound benign..Just a little fling between adults who agree to do the deed, for as long as they wish. In the background is a faithful wife or husband who has played their part honourably, may care and be hurt, children who lose their innocence too early and and the weakening of family cohesion that provides security and strength for the travails of life. Wish it were all so innocent of harm as you so innocently proclaim it to be.
Such a difficult and nuanced subject. Sally, you have covered all bases superbly. Thanks for sharing your opinions.
Karma is rough – Tory crucified Doug Ford’s brother for taking cannabis when he was dying of cancer.
He has waged a war in Toronto on homeless; over policing and closing warming centres during the pandemic, etc. I’m not sad, though I sensed he might do some good to shore up his legacy before departing. Penalosa is a great candidate. It looks to me like Tory is back-peddling on his resignation. A man who cannot keep his word to a woman he supposedly loves and has made vows to, is not someone worthy of a high position.
The media could care less about John Tory. They are more concerned about getting the story first no matter how trivial it is. The sleazier in their eyes the better. Not much difference today from The Star or the National Enquirer or London’s Daily Mail which is a rag. British budgies object to it papering the bottom of their cages.
Well said Sally, this is personal and private and between the parties involved. I believe in , ‘ People in Glass Houses shouldn’t throw stones. None of us are perfect and it’s none of our business.
I heard John Tory’s dalliance will cost the tax payer, yes you, millions of wasted dollars by quitting , causing an unnecessary election.
Not too excited about the possible contenders.
Maybe Patrick Brown consider running. Maybe Bonnie Crombie should also
According to former Chretien government war room strategist Warren Kinsella, the existence of affidavits against Justin Trudeau “detailing inappropriate conduct between Trudeau and various young people” have been well known around Ottawa for years. If this is so, why hasn’t the Toronto Star or CBC pursued those stories? it couldn’t be because they are both beholden to the government for millions and millions of dollars in aid and funding?
“first person come in and last to leave” now we know why… He was ploughing his employee.
Also 31 is a fully grown adult… What innocence?
Well said Sally Barnes!!! This day and age it seems that a lot of rules have changed!!!
I think John Tory understands that the issue is his relationship with an employee, not that it was extra marital or with a younger woman. Women who have suffered inappropriate behavior at the office will also understand the issue.
We are all winning actually, as Mr Tory is trying to help us understand that the power relationship at work requires a better level of behavior than he was able to muster.