By Laura MacLean
I’m at a circus. I’m a clown balancing on a ball with 100 plates in my hands trying to keep steady so that none of them fall. This is me. This is my life since I had kids.
I want to take this opportunity to really introduce myself to Doppler readers. I’m going to start contributing a regular column, every three weeks is what my publisher and I agreed on. No more excuses. I need to do it. I want to. I love to write. It’s what I was born to do. It’s my high. It gives me pleasure, fuels my fire – all that jazz. It makes roar like the mighty woman I am.
It is my hope, through this regular column, that I am able to say what people think but are often too shy or maybe even embarrassed to admit. Who got the idea that everyone glows when they are pregnant? I didn’t glow. I barfed the entire nine months and had heartburn to the point that I’m seriously surprised I still have an esophagus. And afterward, when the baby came out and screamed for what seemed like an eternity, am I the only lady out there who actually wanted to shove the baby back ‘up there’? Breastfeeding is a joy… For real? That hurt, really badly. I have orangutan tits now. They will never be the same as they were before two tiny lives depended on them as their main food source.
I love every minute of motherhood but in the same breath I’m utterly exhausted. I’ve learned so much on this beautiful journey, like that a giant maxi pad is not a good substitute when you run out of diapers for your toddler. It simply can’t hold the heavy flow of nighttime urine. And sometimes, in situations of pure chaos and sheer insanity, a time-out for mom isn’t such a bad idea. Walk away, deep breaths, regroup, a little positive self-talk, and resume care and control. Sometimes, it’s okay to admit being a mom is a tough job.
This is what my bedroom looks like almost every Sunday, the always-dreaded laundry day.
My life is a roller coaster. A never-ending one. It’s full of ups and downs and twists and turns and unpredictable moments. Yes, there are times when I want to close my eyes and scream at the top of my lungs and I wish that for just five minutes it could be only me in the house. And yes, there are times when I’m filled to the brim with pride and joy because I was blessed enough to have two beautiful, happy, healthy boys .
I’m definitely uptight, but I love when I’m able to let loose. My friends would probably tell you I’m way too sensitive. I hate that about myself. I cry at anything; definitely once a week and I’m not sure that’s even healthy. I’m ruled by my emotions; overflowing with empathy and sympathy and it’s easy for me to internalize other people’s problems. I feel too much. I don’t like conflict and I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Ever!
I love the colour purple, glorious sunsets, collecting beautiful rocks and my dad. He’s my greatest hero and my biggest supporter. I believe in karma, respecting Mother Nature and that there’s nothing wrong with hugging a tree. I care about how I look, although I don’t wear makeup on Sundays. I always despised my big boobs, but then when my mom lost her right breast to cancer I had a totally new appreciation for my girls.
As crazy as life can get sometimes I think it’s important to stop and smell the roses. Appreciate the little things. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Dance like no one’s watching. All that good stuff. When you have kids, it can be so easy to forget about yourself. But when you have kids it’s even more important to make time for yourself. Don’t forget about what you love to do.
Everything was going splendid in my life until my mom died. It really threw me off balance, off kilter. I’m still a mess, still reeling from the loss. I knew it was going to be hard to deal with her being gone, but nothing could have prepared me for what it’s been like living without her. But life goes on. It has to. Especially when you have kids.
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Debbie. You have been such a big supporter of mine for awhile now. You are a special human. I know this because I’ve experienced your kind and gentle and selfless nature many times.
I appreciate you taking the time to share a bit of your journey with me. And I might need to rent you so stand by… ☺?
thank you so much for sharing your beautiful words of wisdom.
A poignant rendition of motherhood. I remember it well. My daughter and son were born 13 months apart and at one point I was not sure there was life after diapers (cloth ones in those days albeit). My youngest was just married 2 weeks ago and it was the most precious day, excepting the days my children were born. Again I remember that well too. Through the years of school days, trouble on the bus, middle of the night visits to emerg, sports schedules and daily chores, there never seemed to be a moment extra in the week. Activities packed every waking hour and then some. I still would not trade it for the world. Now I get to enjoy 2 delightful granddaughters and offer the patience I preached but struggled to practice over my years as a mom. I am blessed to still have my mom and mother in law and to have experienced the love and joy of grandparents in my years growing up. Those who are gone will always stay strong in my heart and continue to guiding me from a different place. Laura, your mom is watching over you and smiling I am certain – proud of who you are. If however you need to rent a grandma, you know my number. lol (but seriously, your boys are amazing)
I’m a big believer in telling it like it is too Laura, so I value and appreciate your openness.
What you are experiencing now is far behind me but I still remember those days with burning clarity. I would like to tell you that it will be a breeze when they are older but in truth you’ll still be a mom and they’ll still be your kids when they are full-on adults. That’s just how it is to be a mother, I think.
I’m so sorry that you lost your mom. It was far too soon but you were so lucky to have her for all the years that you did and she was blessed to have such a loving daughter. As you know, my mother has dementia but her memories of the mother she lost so many years ago are as clear and poignant for her today as they were when her mom died in childbirth at just 42 years of age. My mom loved her mother and she still does 65 years later.
I guess what I’m saying is that we are daughters and mothers all the days of our lives. Sometimes it’s wonderful and sometimes it sucks but most of us wouldn’t change it for anything.