Hospice Huntsville helps grieving children and teens through special programming

Everyone grieves differently, and that’s particularly true for children. Whether it’s the death of someone they love, a change in family circumstances like separation or divorce, or even the loss of something treasured, children from preschool age through to teens might struggle to process and express their grief. And it can continue for many years.

“In children in particular, they grieve differently than adults,” explains Jane Weiland of Hospice Huntsville, who coordinates the organization’s grief support programs for children and teens. “When you’re under five you don’t have a sense of the permanentness of death or even separation and divorce. As children go through their developmental stages, the grief is revisited at a different processing level. They might look like they are doing okay now or this year, and next year they don’t look like they are doing okay. Because kids are physical beings, you might see some change in their behavior or change in their coping strategy, things like bad dreams at night. We all grieve over time, but for children, because they are going through different developmental stages, it really does get revisited at different times.”

Weiland cites the example of a grade 8 graduation when “that person that I’m missing isn’t here to help me celebrate” as something that might cause grief to resurface, even if that person died several years earlier.

Hospice provides grief support twice a year, spring and fall, for children, and once per year in the fall for teens. There is no timeline for when a child can participate – it doesn’t have to be within a year of a death or separation, for example – and Weiland takes referrals for the programs throughout the year.

The programs are run by volunteers who are all trained in grief and bereavement. For children, it looks similar to an after school program, with a focus on specific topics in each of the six weeks of the program. One week, for example, they might make masks and talk about emotions and how they might be hiding them.

In this Children’s Support Group activity, participants created a life-size picture of themselves depicting their emotions/feelings (supplied photo)

The teen group also focuses on a range of topics over six weekly meetings, including healthy coping strategies and ‘breaking the rules’. “We all have in our minds and in our society expectations for how people should be grieving, and when they should be over their grieving,” notes Weiland.

Weiland also has some tips for how people can help support children in their lives who are grieving, or to help them understand it before it happens.

One of our challenges is that because talking about death isn’t something that lots of people do, we consider it a little bit taboo, and we sometimes forget to talk to kids when someone is dying and supporting them after. They might hear comments like (their loved one) is in a better place now or they are at peace or they are with God, and yet they see people crying. And they wonder, ‘if the person is in a better place, why are people still sad? I don’t understand.’ There’s a lot of mixed messages.
JAne Weiland, Program Coordinator, Hospice Huntsville

You can help children learn about death in natural and concrete ways, says Weiland. “Thinking about how all living things die at some point, and observing things that are neutral like trees and flowers – they have a life and a time that they die. Pets like fish, or a guinea pig, or a dog are a natural way that we can teach children about living and nurturing and death and mourning.”

But if it’s the loss of someone significant in their life that is a child’s first experience with grief, there are a few things that children do want to hear, adds Weiland. “They need to be told the truth – accurate information – and it needs to be at their developmental stage so that they can understand it. They want to be reassured that they will be taken care of. And they want to know that you will be feeling sad, too, and that it’s okay.”

She also advises to stress to children that it’s okay to talk about the person who has died or who has left, and that everyone feels and grieves differently and at different times, and that’s okay, too. “So someone might be happy and laughing but that doesn’t mean you’re still not missing that person. Also remember that children can often feel guilty about feeling sad, especially if they have been told the person is in a better place.”

Finally, remember to now and then say, ‘how are you doing?’ “Not to harp on that,” says Weiland, “but just ask them.”

The Hospice Huntsville grief support programs are free, as are all of the organization’s other programs. In order to keep programming free, it must raise 50 per cent of its operating budget every year – about $534,000 – through various giving opportunities like annual fundraisers, its wish list and its 500 Club.

Since the Algonquin Grace Residential Hospice opened its doors in January 2012, staff and volunteers have cared for more than 600 residents and provided support for their families and loved ones. During its last fiscal year, Hospice Huntsville served 52 adults and children in its grief support programs.

For more information on Hospice Huntsville grief support programs, visit hospicehuntsville.com or contact Jane Weiland, Program Coordinator at (705) 789-6878 ext. 200 or [email protected].

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