{"id":96777,"date":"2021-04-22T12:18:27","date_gmt":"2021-04-22T16:18:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/huntsville.dopperonline.ca\/?p=96777"},"modified":"2021-04-22T12:18:27","modified_gmt":"2021-04-22T16:18:27","slug":"she-speaks-the-blankness-between-battles","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/doppleronline.ca\/huntsville\/she-speaks-the-blankness-between-battles\/","title":{"rendered":"She Speaks: The blankness between battles | Commentary"},"content":{"rendered":"

 <\/p>\n

It isn\u2019t very often that I sit down in front of the computer with nothing to say. Usually, the opposite problem plagues me: too many interesting topics, too many directions to spin off into, too much to say.<\/p>\n

The challenge I usually face is one of paring down, choosing a path, and sticking to it. An abundance of opinions, each one needing research and citation, each one requiring the opposing opinion to be presented and then destroyed. When it\u2019s your job to have an opinion, you don\u2019t usually find yourself lacking them.<\/p>\n

<\/broadstreet-zone><\/strong><\/div>\n

I don\u2019t know what the problem is. Do I feel less strongly about the issues affecting the world? No\u2014many of them still preoccupy me. Climate change, justice issues, what happens after we die\u2014these thoughts and many others will still keep me up at night, if I let them.<\/p>\n

Is it that all outcomes feel inevitable, so what\u2019s the purpose of putting my thoughts onto paper? That isn\u2019t true either, because I know the impact of words in both directions\u2014what other people\u2019s words mean to me, and what my words can mean to others.<\/p>\n

Could it be that I feel anything worth saying has already been said, possibly better than I could ever say it? While that might be so, it doesn\u2019t mean those things don\u2019t bear repeating. I know for myself that I often need to hear information at least three times before it seems to take up permanent residency in my mind. So it\u2019s not that I feel I need to say something new and original every time I write\u2014because this just might be the time that someone reads it and really gets it (whatever ‘it’ is; I\u2019m always surprised by what people take away from writings).<\/p>\n

So what\u2019s going on here? I want to talk to you, whoever is reading this. Not at you. I want to be responded to as if I were sitting across the coffee table from you, not like I\u2019m an invisible opinion machine without feelings to be eviscerated in the comment section. I want to hear your actual concerns behind your reactions. I want to know what\u2019s important to you, and what just isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to feel like we aren\u2019t in this together. This is my community, my home\u2014this is where I wake up and choose to be, every day. Any changes I want to make through my activism have very real, very near people benefiting from them. Any comments that are written in response to me, I read, and carefully. So why do we feel so very far apart?<\/p>\n

Ah. I think I\u2019ve come to the crux of it. I know I\u2019m far from the only one feeling this way\u2014the world has been like a minefield lately; like no matter where I place my foot, I\u2019m blowing up the very ground I\u2019m trying to walk on. When I meet you in the middle, we both get blasted. When I try to direct, your blood is on my hands. When I follow you, I\u2019ll resent you if I blow up. There\u2019s no pathway here, and very few trustworthy trailblazers.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m tired. I\u2019m tired of being deliberately misunderstood, of being strawmanned, of the shifting goalposts in any debate, in the bad, bad, bad, bad faith arguments. I don\u2019t want to live this way. I want us to be able to find common ground, not put barbed wire around it and call it ‘no man\u2019s land’. I want to feel like people are actually looking for solutions instead of looking for salacious headlines, out-of-context quotations, and the brief false-joy of feeling right. I want us to feel better, not righter.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been wrong a lot in my life. Some of that comes from assuming I know what\u2019s right before I know what\u2019s going on, some of it comes from repeating things I\u2019ve been taught and never challenged, and some of it is because the world is a growing and changing place, where you can be right one day and almost unbelievably wrong the next, simply because we gained new insight. I don\u2019t mind being wrong because it means I\u2019m learning.<\/p>\n

I also find that if avoiding being wrong is high on your list, so should be avoiding public speaking. It is easy to be quiet and right, but it doesn\u2019t change the world. Everyone with even a modicum of power needs to get really comfortable with admitting they are wrong when it\u2019s demonstrably true, or else we end up looking stubborn and foolish\u2014and adhering to bad information can cost lives.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know who I\u2019m speaking to. Is it the people who agree with me, or the ones who don\u2019t? Is it the loud ones, or the quiet ones? Is it those who are right, or those who aren\u2019t?<\/p>\n

I fear that we\u2019ve lost the discernment of what needs our attention. Do you fight cancer or do you treat it? We are being asked, as a society, to go against our natural inclination to connection and stay apart to stay safe. We\u2019re being asked this by government, which has very little social trust regardless of who holds office. We have so much proof of wrongdoing by those in power that we are suspicious and skeptical of even the most basic life-saving interventions.<\/p>\n

And what I\u2019ve observed, and what is undoubtedly behind my vacillation on writing this, on writing anything, is that the longer we stay apart, the more alien we find each other. We are losing our ability to empathize with people who have different opinions than us because we no longer see each other as community members, merely people who occupy physical proximity but have no face-to-face contact.<\/p>\n

The computer screen is the biggest liar I\u2019ve ever met\u2014it tells the story that the internet isn\u2019t real life, that anyone who disagrees is a troll, it makes us categorize people based on the tiny text box they\u2019ve provided. And it absolutely makes us feel like the person we are talking to is just a combo of ones and zeros, not a real person from whom we can learn or whom is worth teaching.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m afraid we\u2019ve decided we are done learning\u2014we\u2019ve decided we know it all, and now our job is to hop on the computer and spew what we ‘know’. We can\u2019t be wrong when our friends and followers are watching. We can\u2019t change our minds because we\u2019ll feel stupid. We can\u2019t see each other as people because then we\u2019d know the landmines matter.<\/p>\n

And who benefits?<\/p>\n

Corporations. Alienated people shop more, impoverished people can\u2019t afford locally made items, lateral violence means we are battling each other and not those who are trying to control us. And governments who are two sides of the same coin by design, both glutted and gutted by capitalism, less interested in representation than compensation.<\/p>\n

So where are we?<\/p>\n

In this together, still.<\/p>\n

And does it even matter?<\/p>\n

Really, it\u2019s the only thing that does.<\/p>\n

Watch your step.<\/p>\n

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<\/broadstreet-zone>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Kathleen

Kathleen May (Photo: Kai Rannik)<\/p><\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

Kathleen May is a writer, speaker, and activist. Her column, She Speaks, has appeared in the Huntsville Doppler since 2018. Her work in our community includes co-founding the long-running Huntsville Women\u2019s Group, volunteering with Muskoka Parry Sound Sexual Assault Services, and her role as a front-line counsellor at the women\u2019s shelter. Kathleen is a 2018 Woman of Distinction for Social Activism and Community Development<\/a><\/span>. She was longlisted for the 2020 CBC Short Story Prize<\/a><\/span>, short-listed for the 2019 CBC Nonfiction Prize<\/a><\/span>, and received the Best Author award for her 2018 submission at the Muskoka Novel Marathon, a fundraiser for literacy services. When she isn\u2019t writing, she\u2019s designing a tiny house which she intends to be the impetus for a sustainable women\u2019s land co-operative in Muskoka.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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