{"id":91979,"date":"2020-11-27T11:48:22","date_gmt":"2020-11-27T16:48:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/huntsville.dopperonline.ca\/?p=91979"},"modified":"2020-11-27T11:48:22","modified_gmt":"2020-11-27T16:48:22","slug":"she-speaks-death-drugs-and-choice-or-the-appearance-of-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/doppleronline.ca\/huntsville\/she-speaks-death-drugs-and-choice-or-the-appearance-of-it\/","title":{"rendered":"She Speaks: Death, drugs, and choice or the appearance of it | Commentary"},"content":{"rendered":"

 <\/p>\n

“I think I almost died.”<\/p>\n

It\u2019s just one of those casual car conversations, the best kind. You have no idea where the subject began or how it meandered all over the place, taking as many twists and turns as the vehicle itself.<\/p>\n

<\/broadstreet-zone><\/strong><\/div>\n

“When I had my surgery. I think I almost died.”<\/p>\n

Still seeking a diagnosis, my first surgery last year was meant to be exploratory. Let\u2019s take a biopsy of my ovary, the less-nasty-looking one since we\u2019re pretty sure the nasty one is a goner. Let\u2019s see if it comes back from pathology as cancer or just… a cyst. Or something strange but benign.<\/p>\n

My paperwork from that appointment says that my exploratory laparoscopy was converted to a laparotomy (open surgery) and oophorectomy (the removal of an ovary). I didn\u2019t know this until later. I woke up from surgery feeling like I\u2019d been sideswiped by an ocean liner. The ovary had exploded, they\u2019d had to cut me wide open, the tumour capsule opened in my pelvic cavity, and I lost a ton of blood.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d already had two transfusions of blood and would need another, an iron transfusion, a couple nights in the hospital. Whatever chaos happened in the operating theatre went home in my body.<\/p>\n

My mind did not feel like it had almost died, but my body did, and it took me a long time to reassure myself that the danger had passed. I felt really bad for a really long time after this, even recovering from a second surgery before feeling better from the first.<\/p>\n

To treat the cancer, I\u2019ve done lots of traditional western medicine and some natural or alternative medicine. Pros and cons for both, but at least the doctor\u2019s orders come with the doctor\u2019s support and the doctor\u2019s studies. Going on a plant-medicine journey often means you\u2019re on your own.<\/p>\n

I was able to purchase a protocol of full extract cannabis oil (FECO): 60 grams in 90 days. I had started a protocol before but could not afford to complete it until funding came through. Finally, my new medication came and I was able to restart the regimen.<\/p>\n

And then I almost died again.<\/p>\n

I mean, kind of. Ego death, at least.<\/p>\n

I tripped so hard on this high THC medication that I didn\u2019t even see stars, I become one.<\/p>\n

That night, I started the FECO at a high dose because I\u2019d been up to a gram per day before and assumed I would not have to start from scratch with my dosing, which recommends an amount of oil half the size of grain of rice. You don\u2019t need to skip to the end\u2014I\u2019ll tell you up front that I was wrong.<\/p>\n

That evening, I\u2019m wide awake and anxious but trying to sleep. Hark! What\u2019s this? Inspiration for a Doppler article? Better jot that down in my note app.<\/p>\n

Done.<\/p>\n

And from there on… Well, I saw god. Became god. Became an actor in a sitcom, a cartoon character, a bundle of broken bones, a ribbon of golden light, a black hole, and whatever is on the other side of a black hole. No, really<\/a><\/span>.<\/p>\n

And I think I died. It felt like a seizure. My body twisted and pressed against the bedframe to the point that I broke it, and I felt like my body was not under my control. It was an incredibly frightening evening for all involved, as I was visiting my friend at her home and my partner was there as well.<\/p>\n

They had to call the paramedics because their beloved Kathleen was throwing herself against the walls from the bed, screaming, laughing maniacally, like a twirling whirling dervish.<\/p>\n

The paramedics came and one called me sweetheart and got called out on using terms of endearment for patients.
\nHere\u2019s the thing. I have a history of trauma, which EMS were informed about on the phone and upon arrival. I have a lot of boundaries when it comes to men. I don\u2019t like being called diminutives by men and I don\u2019t think women need to tolerate that. I was tripping into the next galaxy so I didn\u2019t hear this, but unfortunately I did later hear the other paramedic call me \u2018dear\u2019.<\/p>\n

He immediately caught himself, apologized, and said it was a force of habit.<\/p>\n

And I call out (from the floor, mind you, where I\u2019ve just thrown myself, contrary to gravity), that “It\u2019s not a habit, it\u2019s a CHOICE!” in one of my rare but apparently delightful moments of lucidity.<\/p>\n

I did learn that the Huntsville paramedics have a team of female staff that is available to anyone who should request it. This is something that is so good to know, and also so good to offer. I found the experience of men in uniforms and masks very disconcerting, even knowing they are there to help.<\/p>\n

After this, after I slept for a couple days, after the bed got fixed, after other versions of events were shared, I allowed myself to conclude: I think I died. It felt like that in the moment, and when the moment passed, I realized it wasn\u2019t just the adrenaline or the THC or anything making me feel this way. My brain had a near-death experience, just the way my body did almost exactly a year before.<\/p>\n

I want to share this with you, readers, because throughout my hiatus from this beloved column, you have been checking in with me, sending me notes, donating to me, even bringing me food. You have been here. And I\u2019ve been hidden away. I\u2019ve been afraid of what I wanted to say, which are always big, scary things to try to say. I\u2019ve been afraid that there\u2019s nothing to say: I don\u2019t want to write about COVID, I don\u2019t want to talk about the hellish divisions I\u2019m seeing absolutely everywhere.<\/p>\n

But I do want to talk to you all. What do you want to read about? What do you want to say but you\u2019re too afraid? What do you need to hear?<\/p>\n

Because I learned a lot from these two death-adjacent experiences, one bodily and one mentally. I learned that our voices are light, that our voices wake others, warm others. I witnessed my own voice as a type of light switch that, when flicked, made the darkness scurry, and allowed others with voices to speak their own truth and spread the light even further. It felt that literal. It\u2019s not that I have nothing to say…<\/p>\n

It\u2019s that it\u2019s everything.<\/p>\n

I learned that what feels like habit is simply choice. Declining to choose is still voting for the status quo. If force of habit has you using language you don\u2019t approve of or that you\u2019ve recently learned isn\u2019t appropriate, just change your mind! It\u2019s that easy. THC makes it easier, I guess. (Do drugs responsibly, people.)<\/p>\n

I also learned that just because you don\u2019t know if people are reading or if they like what they read, doesn\u2019t mean people aren\u2019t out there, taking your words into consideration, and maybe even changing their world, the entire universe, because of them.<\/p>\n

I learned that death is just something that happens all the damn time. I\u2019m not afraid. I want to live\u2014I decided.<\/p>\n

Thank you for having me back. Thank you for reading. It is everything.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Don\u2019t miss out on Doppler!<\/h5>\n

Sign up here<\/u><\/a> to receive our email digest with links to our most recent stories.
\nLocal news in your inbox three times per week!<\/strong><\/p>\n

Click here to support local news<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/broadstreet-zone>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Kathleen

Kathleen May (Photo: Kai Rannik)<\/p><\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

Kathleen May is a writer, speaker, and activist. Her column, She Speaks, has appeared in the Huntsville Doppler since 2018. Her work in our community includes co-founding the long-running Huntsville Women\u2019s Group, volunteering with Muskoka Parry Sound Sexual Assault Services, and her role as a front-line counsellor at the women\u2019s shelter. Kathleen is a 2018 Woman of Distinction for Social Activism and Community Development<\/a><\/span>. She was longlisted for the 2020 CBC Short Story Prize<\/a><\/span>, short-listed for the 2019 CBC Nonfiction Prize<\/a><\/span>, and received the Best Author award for her 2018 submission at the Muskoka Novel Marathon, a fundraiser for literacy services. When she isn\u2019t writing, she\u2019s designing a tiny house which she intends to be the impetus for a sustainable women\u2019s land co-operative in Muskoka.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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