{"id":78886,"date":"2019-12-18T11:14:32","date_gmt":"2019-12-18T16:14:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/huntsville.dopperonline.ca\/?p=78886"},"modified":"2019-12-18T11:14:32","modified_gmt":"2019-12-18T16:14:32","slug":"she-speaks-you-are-not-up-for-grabs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/doppleronline.ca\/huntsville\/she-speaks-you-are-not-up-for-grabs\/","title":{"rendered":"She Speaks: You are not up for grabs"},"content":{"rendered":"

 <\/p>\n

You\u2019re at a get-together \u2013 mostly people you know, but some you haven\u2019t officially met. The environment is positive, and you feel glad that you came out despite the snowfall and your already amped stress level.<\/p>\n

<\/broadstreet-zone><\/strong><\/div>\n

As you\u2019re sitting and catching up with a friend, someone comes up behind you and begins to massage your shoulders, informing you that you\u2019re tense.<\/p>\n

How do you respond?<\/p>\n

How should you?<\/p>\n

I was about 25 when I decided to practise using my voice. My serious voice, my brook-no-dissent, speak from the diaphragm, no apology and no softening giggle, kind of voice. Not only was I shocked at how effective it was, I also reeled from the reactions it got.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d been reading up on women and the qualifiers we use when we speak<\/a><\/span>. Women\u2019s strength, our voices, have been silenced, punished, monitored, interrupted, and dismissed for longer than any of us has been alive. We grow up in a culture littered with remnants of our non-personhood. It\u2019s not usually as blatant as a man shouting at a woman to shut her mouth, though I\u2019ve heard and overheard that as well.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s men thinking women are dominating a conversation when we get 33 per cent of the talking time, and that things are equal when we speak only 17 per cent of the time<\/a><\/span>.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s men interrupting women at a disproportionate rate<\/a>.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s people thinking women mayyyyy be as competent as men but not as decisive or ambitious<\/a><\/span>.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s male doctors dismissing women\u2019s pain to the point where it kills us<\/a><\/span>.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s people taking hurricanes named after men more seriously<\/a><\/span>, for goodness sake!<\/p>\n

<\/broadstreet-zone><\/strong><\/div>\n

And all of the above is just one layer of a society still rampant with violence against women. Only four per cent of sexual assaults are committed by someone not known to the victim \u2013 which means 96 per cent of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, trusted, liked, or was related to<\/a><\/span>. Mostly the later, I regret to inform you, with \u2018stepfather\u2019 being the worst perpetrator, paralleling my own story.<\/p>\n

If one in three women have experienced sexual assault in their lifetime<\/a><\/span>\u2026<\/p>\n

And women are harmed or murdered for saying no to men<\/a><\/span>\u2026<\/p>\n

And you\u2019ve been taught your entire life that your voice, your comfort, your safety isn\u2019t as important as the person next to you, across from you, behind you\u2026<\/p>\n

What do you do when the person behind you begins rubbing your shoulders without asking you, without making sure you know who it is, choosing not to see the context that women live in every single day?<\/p>\n

<\/broadstreet-zone><\/strong><\/div>\n

When I was 25 and this happened. I turned around, out of the man\u2019s grasp, and said, \u201cDo not touch me.\u201d The man didn\u2019t even meet my eyes, but he threw his hands up and walked away to stand with a friend of his, both of them talking in raised voices about me. Some really unfriendly words were sent my way.<\/p>\n

Most women who I share this with have plenty of stories of their own about the \u2018creeper\u2019; the guy who\u2019s just a \u2018little too friendly\u2019. Someone who is known to be a boundary violator. But instead of making sure this guy is never invited anywhere or accepted into a friendship group, we just accept the warnings and put up our guard around him, informing new people in our circle to just \u2018keep an eye out\u2019.<\/p>\n

And he goes on, doing what he loves to do, and eventually women leave the circle, leave the group, lose their voice.<\/p>\n

When I tell people what I said to the guy who got handsy with me, most are surprised. Many say they would never be so blunt\/so rude\/so brave. I didn\u2019t say, \u201cSorry, do you mind not doing that?\u201d (apologize, frame as a question, his choice). I didn\u2019t say, \u201cOh, I have an injury, please don\u2019t\u201d (defend, using a true or untrue excuse). I didn\u2019t make a joke or make it light, though there\u2019 are times for that. The reason I said what I did, how I did, is because I have every right to. It\u2019s my boundary.<\/p>\n

A boundary is a line you draw on behaviour, yours and others. It represents what you may enjoy, accept, tolerate, consider, or decline. The most vital skill that acts as a prerequisite for good boundaries is great communication. You can have boundaries without communicating them, but people will inadvertently approach and overstep them, and when they do, you won\u2019t be able to explain to them why that wasn\u2019t okay.<\/p>\n

Communicating well means believing that your truth and your desires are important. It means understanding that your perspective is only one and may not be shared, and that all others have perspectives informed by their own life experiences. It means listening to understand, not just waiting to speak. It means clarifying miscommunications or misunderstandings head-on, which gets so much easier the more you do it. Investing in your communication abilities means you will deal with confrontation less, not more \u2013 because when you are clear, don\u2019t make assumptions, and have expressed your lines in the sand and the consequences for crossing them, situations rarely escalate to a confrontation. It takes a lot of little, sometimes awkward conversations to avoid a fight, but the payoff is endless.<\/p>\n

You can have boundaries around anything. Maybe you don\u2019t like hugs. Instead of saying you have a cold, or swinging your hand out to be shaken, we can say, \u201cI\u2019m not a hugger. Thanks for understanding.\u201d Saying \u2018thank-you\u2019 instead of the dreaded apology makes it seem like a positive instead of a negative and lets the other person consider what you\u2019ve said. Hmm, do I understand? Why or why not?<\/p>\n

This is not rude. This type of sincere, good faith clarity is absolutely imperative to our wellbeing and indeed for many women, our survival. A predator will push beyond \u201cI\u2019m not sure I like that\u201d, but when confronted with \u201cYou absolutely do not touch me like that\u201d will often back off because you\u2019ve made yourself a more difficult target, and predators are looking for easy targets.<\/p>\n

If we insist on a culture of consent \u2013 \u201cCan I hug you?\u201d \u201cDo you like that?\u201d \u201cCan you help me?\u201d \u201cCan you explain to me what you meant by that?\u201d \u201cCan we talk about why this keeps happening?\u201d \u2013 then when things go awry, like a stranger trying to rub your shoulders or someone harming you, taking advantage, etc, we see it for what it is. People who want to cause harm rely on a culture that keeps certain things shrouded in secret and shame. They count on victims not having the emotional vocabulary to say No \u2013 and maintain and enforce it.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve heard the arguments against this \u2013 the idea that it will make all our interactions, especially sexual, stilted and awkward. Here\u2019s how I handle this \u2013 I communicate. \u201cSo, I believe in consent culture, good communication and boundaries. When I have sex, I like to check in and make sure my partner is enjoying this. If you aren\u2019t, please tell me, and I will do the same.\u201d Must be the millennial in me, but I think that\u2019s awesome, not awkward.<\/p>\n

Communication is best practised when things are going well because it will save you when things get messed up. In the middle of a divorce or illness or loss is a really difficult time to try to learn to ask for what you want and needed. But it\u2019s still better than never learning at all. A lot of people barely analyze their own thoughts \u2013 very few are out there analyzing yours. No mind readers here; we have to do the work.<\/p>\n

To make this topical for the holidays, please remember:<\/p>\n

You do not have to tolerate hateful rhetoric at the dinner table, not even during the holidays, not even when it\u2019s your mom\u2019s favourite (racist) sister. \u201cI\u2019m uncomfortable with this conversation. I\u2019ll be in the other room. Anyone is welcome to join me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Children are allowed to have boundaries. Please don\u2019t tell them to hug people. Let them make that choice. \u201cIt\u2019s very sweet that you want to hug little Matilda, but we encourage her to choose who she hugs. We are teaching her boundaries.\u201d You have to MODEL this. Don\u2019t allow your own boundaries to be violated.<\/p>\n

You are not obligated to offer explanations or defenses for who you are, who you love, what you do for work, your mental health, or anything you aren\u2019t comfortable discussing. \u201cI\u2019m not up for talking about that, but I hear your concern.\u201d Switching the subject is super effective, or you can just move on.<\/p>\n

I have no problem being a buzz-kill when the buzz harms me or others. I am important and so are my values, and I will prioritize them because that\u2019s the person I want to be. And I want kids to see an assertive, unapologetic woman saying No to what she doesn\u2019t want and Yes to what she does, and know they can do the same. And believe me, I do get teased for this by my friends and family. I often hear, \u2018no one talks like that\u2019 (I do!). I have heard every reason and every scenario wherein these skills just don\u2019t apply. Yet, I\u2019ve never been in one myself, where I couldn\u2019t make the decision to express myself clearly and state my hope that the other does the same, with the intention of having a positive experience.<\/p>\n

I will take the teasing from my friends because they know, beyond a doubt, that I will be honest and kind with them, that nothing I do with or for them is out of a sense of obligation or guilt. Because I know how to say no, my yes is all in.<\/p>\n

Listen, we live in a community where our MP sent dick pics to someone he thought was a woman, a town councillor is in shit for making a homophobic joke about a community member, the president of our closest neighbouring country admits to and brags about sexually assaulting women, and the OPP in Bracebridge and Huntsville had deemed more than half the rape accusations they received as Unfounded. This is our world. We have to live here. I want to change it \u2013 and ALL of these examples are about boundaries.<\/p>\n

And hey, if someone rubs your shoulders and you are cool with that, \u2018yes\u2019 is a brilliant word. But the issue still needs to be addressed. \u201cI\u2019m definitely enjoying this, but next time you need to ask the person before you touch them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Their response to your words will tell you everything you need to know.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t miss out on Doppler!<\/h5>\n

Sign up here<\/u><\/a> to receive our email digest with links to our most recent stories.
\nLocal news in your inbox three times per week!<\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/broadstreet-zone>\n

\"Kathleen

Kathleen May (Photo: Kai Rannik)<\/p><\/div>\n

Kathleen May is a writer, speaker, and activist. Her work in our community includes co-founding the long-running Huntsville Women\u2019s Group, being a Survivor Mentor in the pilot survivor-to-survivor program through MPSSAS, co-facilitating instinct-unlocking workshops for women through I Got This, working as a host and community producer of Herstories<\/i> on YourTV, volunteering with Women\u2019s March Muskoka, and her role as a front-line counsellor at a women\u2019s shelter. Kathleen is a 2018 Woman of Distinction for Social Activism and Community Development and also received the Best Author award for her 2018 submission at the Muskoka Novel Marathon, a fundraiser for literacy services. Her dream is a sustainable women\u2019s land co-operative in Muskoka.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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