{"id":61815,"date":"2019-02-07T05:12:13","date_gmt":"2019-02-07T10:12:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/huntsville.dopperonline.ca\/?p=61815"},"modified":"2019-02-06T20:23:52","modified_gmt":"2019-02-07T01:23:52","slug":"she-speaks-lorena-bobbitt-tonya-harding-and-monica-lewinsky-walk-into-a-bar","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/doppleronline.ca\/huntsville\/she-speaks-lorena-bobbitt-tonya-harding-and-monica-lewinsky-walk-into-a-bar\/","title":{"rendered":"She Speaks: Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Monica Lewinsky walk into a bar…"},"content":{"rendered":"

 <\/p>\n

I believe that life is about experiencing an ever-widening spiral of truths. We grow up being told one thing, and because we are young we often continue to believe it even when evidence arrives to contradict it. But the spiral insists that we examine these truths with the knowledge we have acquired during our lives \u2013 and then suggests that we change our minds. The spiral grows: we think we know something, we are confronted with contradictory information, we change our minds. This works best when we remain curious and adaptable, and we can transform our learnings into teachings.<\/p>\n

<\/broadstreet-zone><\/strong><\/div>\n

I was seven-years old when I learned that Lorena Bobbitt had dismembered her husband. For about two decades, that was all I knew. I remember the jokes and the gasps \u2013 we were kids and we thought it was hilarious and outrageous. The only update on the story that I heard throughout my life was that John Bobbitt got penis enlargement surgery at some point, which set off another round of terrible jokes. I don\u2019t remember ever asking myself why Lorena Bobbitt (now going by her birth name Lorena Gallo) had done this. Media explained she was jealous, crazy. I assumed she was pissed because husbands are shit (I learned this ever-widening \u2018truth\u2019 from the absolute glut of media showing bumbling, insensitive, hapless and helpless husbands utterly relying on all-suffering and tolerant tv-hot wives).<\/p>\n

I was eight-years old when I heard that Tonya Harding had bashed in the knee of fellow ice skater Nancy Kerrigan. I remember the latter\u2019s screams, which were aired in the living room occupied by my siblings and I. I had broken my leg a year earlier \u2013 the sounds were eerily familiar. I remember wondering why Tonya would do such a thing \u2013 it wouldn\u2019t have been fair, and I couldn\u2019t imagine trying to win something without being fair. Another caricature: evil, ruthless woman. I didn\u2019t know for another two decades that it hadn\u2019t been Tonya at all who had swung the bat.<\/span><\/p>\n

I was 12-years old when I learned about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. The jokes were absolutely rampant on this subject \u2013 the content of too many SNL skits to binge in 24 hours. I remember thinking it shouldn\u2019t be that big of a deal. It was only an affair and I knew those happened all the time. She was cast in the role of home wrecker, sleeping her way to the top. When I think back, I realize I had thought the former president to be much younger than he was and Monica much older. I didn\u2019t really understand why everyone seemed to think she should be so ashamed.<\/span><\/p>\n

This column is inspired by the New York Times article, \u201cYou Know the Lorena Bobbitt Story. But Not All Of It.\u201d<\/a><\/span> <\/span>Now I know that Lorena Bobbitt, the night of the incident, had been raped. When I learned this, my mind slowed and widened to accommodate this new information. Everything I thought I knew shifted to make space. It made sense, finally \u2013 women who experience systematic abuse at the hands of a supposed \u2018loved one\u2019 can exhibit signs of extreme dissociation. Abuse is traumatic. Traumatized people don\u2019t respond in ways that we consider \u2018typical\u2019. Her action was a desperate attempt to disarm him: she knocked the gun from his hands; she kicked the knife across the floor. Now she is an advocate for women who experience sexual abuse and hopes to open her own shelter. My spiral widens.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/broadstreet-zone><\/strong><\/div>\n

The media portrayed the battle between Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan as a bitter rivalry, with one party willing to do anything to win. I won\u2019t downplay Tonya\u2019s role in the assault \u2013 she apparently knew of it and approved, providing her husband withNancy\u2019s location, who in turn passed it along to the man who committed the attack. Tonya, however, discloses extreme abuse and neglect in her childhood and repeated violence in her marriages (both to the same man). Traumatized people don\u2019t always respond in ways we consider typical. The media portrayal of this issue completely skewed it beyond recognition and made it so my young mind almost-indelibly cast Tonya as the heartless aggressor. I was a child watching this play out. Was there no responsibility to me, witnessing this extreme violence followed by jokes and skits at the expense of these two battered woman?<\/p>\n

When I watched Monica Lewinsky\u2019s Ted Talk, The Price of Shame,<\/a><\/span><\/span> I learned that she was 22-years old during the affair with Bill Clinton. She began as an unpaid intern, only earning a wage the same year the affair began. Bill Clinton was 27-years older than her. No one thought it was a completely unethical and obscene abuse of power? Americans are raised to believe their president is the most powerful man on the planet. What would a \u2018no\u2019 have done to her career? Why would the president ever put a woman only a couple years out of her teens in the position of having to turn him down? She would have been acutely aware of the repercussions. Might she have thought her career would be in jeopardy if she refused his advances? Should he not have been held to the highest standard of integrity and justice? The spiral grows.<\/span><\/p>\n

And I\u2019m not talking about morality here. This isn\u2019t about his marriage, like my calls for Tony Clement\u2019s resignation<\/a> <\/span><\/span>are not about his marriage. This isn\u2019t an issue of family values. This is an issue of power and control. In each and every scenario, there were men in positions of power over women who used that power to rape, harm, and exploit. And the story was spun beyond recognition to make the woman the guilty party \u2013 and not just regular-guilt but irredeemable, caricaturesque guilt. I am not suggesting that men do all the cruel things and women are endlessly angelic (I add this caveat for the inevitable \u2018whatabout\u2019ers that arrive in the comment sections of my columns). But I am revealing that absolute power does corrupt absolutely, and who, in our current society, holds absolute power?<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/broadstreet-zone><\/strong><\/div>\n

Well, perhaps not \u2018absolute\u2019 anymore. And thank goodness. Because the more I read and learn and experience and grow, the more I see that, indeed, the things I learned even five years ago have been turned on their heads to uncover deeper and more meaningful truths. I am grateful for this because I exist to lead with love, create, and share my voice \u2013 and I want to learn, I want abuses of power disincentivized, I want to see monopolies of power eliminated, and I want women in decision-making roles when they are the best for those roles. No joke.<\/p>\n

I hope that we can all look deeply into the \u2018truths\u2019 that we assimilated before we learned discernment and apply a new, more rounded and generous understanding to them. It is not a negative thing to say, \u201cI did not know that,\u201d \u201cI never saw it that way,\u201d \u201cThat information wasn\u2019t available at the time, but now that it is, I\u2019ve changed my mind.\u201d Stubborn resistance to new information in order to save face is something that children do. I used to insist on pronouncing words as I read them, with emphasis improperly applied, because I thought I knew what was right. Now I say, \u201cHow do you say this word?\u201d and kind people explain with only a little smugness. The spiral grows \u2013 so should we.<\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t miss out on Doppler! Sign up for our free newsletter <\/strong>here<\/strong>.<\/strong><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

<\/broadstreet-zone><\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Kathleen

Photo: Kai Rannik<\/p><\/div>\n

Kathleen May is a writer, speaker, and activist. Her work in our community includes co-founding the long-running Huntsville Women\u2019s Group, being a Survivor Mentor in the pilot survivor-to-survivor program through MPSSAS, co-facilitating instinct-unlocking workshops for women through I Got This, working as a host and community producer of Herstories<\/i> on YourTV, volunteering with Women\u2019s March Muskoka, and her role as a front-line counsellor at a women\u2019s shelter. Kathleen is a 2018 Woman of Distinction for Social Activism and Community Development and also received the Best Author award for her 2018 submission at the Muskoka Novel Marathon, a fundraiser for literacy services. Her dream is a sustainable women\u2019s land co-operative in Muskoka. <\/span><\/p>\n

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